i heart bobby mueller

finished a most intense scrub on our home last night, got my last puffs in before MeMaw's arrival today and settled in to the latest abc town hall meeting. a panel of four politicians, all on varying spokes of the wheel from conservative to liberal, who were moderated by ted "keep it rollin'" koppel, accepted questioning from the audience about whether we should stay or leave iraq. these people in the audience were a mix of politicos, foundation leaders, iraq vets and loved ones of those who've died there. there were viewpoints aflyin'! my fave character on the scene was bobby mueller (i think this is his last name). he's a clean-cut vietnam vet in a wheelchair from his war injuries, and man, was he fired up! bobby had *alot* to say about our current war and practically screamed, "have you people forgotten about vietnam already?!" (vietnam being arabic for iraq, after all.) naturally, the hillbilly governor of virginia jumped right in to answer bobby's angry queries and sidestepped the issue at hand entirely, in a manner befit of a foghorn leghorn lite like himself. most eyebrow raising of all -- our current administration chose not to send anyone to represent it at this televised meeting of the minds. not one person. you mean to tell me, there wasn't one single member of the white house communications corps that couldn't put in a perfunctory appearance at this thing? plenty that could have, but instead, we allow our elected rulers to hide their actions in a cloak of secrecy, never fully answering for their decisions that have already cost 1400 of my countrymen their lives. we need more bobby's making their presence known from here on out.

couldn't help but laugh during the evening vapidfest of local news as a clip from the united center fired across the screen showing a country band sashaying around a little gang of suburban moms in some kind of hokey shuffle. Mole grimaced and i was appropriately proud because i booked them there. :)

snoopbusters

aha! i have checked in to the site formerly known as my blog, and no Agent99 posts are showing up there. success! those snooping eyes shan't be up in my biz no mo'! i really enjoy having my privacy here, even though any old folks from cyberworld can indeed drop in, but who is? if there are trolling eyes peeping here, no one is mouthing off to let their presence be known. fine by me. this venue is simply a quicker, more concise way for me to keep on task and remember what the hell i'm supposed to be doing. if anyone is remotely enjoying my tales of inner searching, they're silent fans. but, even with the possibility of anyone in the interweb chiming in, i'd rather keep my presence here on the d.l. from those not within my inner circle. i don't need to share that much of myself, most especially with those with whom i'm not sharing my daily living.

Woonsocket wants to go show-shoe crawling on saturday. too bad MeMaw will be here. i really want to test out these winter sporting activities. there has to be something to enjoy about the tundra for the next few months. i must admit that today's dusting of snow was some of the prettiest i've peeped, both in flight and landing on my car. everything flew away with a single swoop of the wrist, scraping not needed here. a little less accumulation of the icy variety on the streets would be grand, though.

a $7000 job for february! great to add in to my good month! might have another 4 grand on the line today as well. could things perchance be picking up?

history will teach us nothing

here's a little test. i've changed around my blog name and address, but my old version is still accessible. i want to teach old snoopy eyes that it's not polite to venture where you ain't asked, but i'm wondering if somehow this is posting to both. we're going to see now......

nosey girls make graves

it's always a bit unnerving to come in to work and find your computer has likely been assaulted by roving eyes. of course, these things cannot be proven. or, you can confront the individual you suspect of nosing into your online biz, but then you'd have to reveal the sloppy footwork you noticed in the first place, making more snooping likely as the perpetrator is keen to cover their steps. thus, i'll be doing a bit of revamp and taking the priveledge of reading my thoughts away from those i have not invited in.

the chief: yesterday, today & forever

worker bees on the new building next door reached our rooftop level for the first time today. i left the house and heard WeeBeastie howling and barking from outside. looked up at the bees and thought the house would be finished quickly, just as it began to flurry snow. took four good spins in the frozen mush to get the malibu rolling today. temperatures dropping, solidifying the ground, making me wish for new orleans more and more. sad, sad winter is in our face and not showing signs of leaving anytime soon. better get used to wearing these rocketdogs everyday.

one special dog

we celebrated a noteable anniversary last saturday. our darling dog, WeeBeastie, established our canine family exactly a year ago. on a day of subzero temperature, we journeyed down to bloomington to retrieve our poochie at a rest area meeting point with the colonel potter's cairn terrier rescue. even a speeding ticket from yet another fine example why bully boys needn't be allowed in the police force couldn't dampen our spirits. the foster lady cried when she turned the fur baby over to us and WeeBeastie responded by biting my wrist. even with a lightly bleeding wound, i knew she was the terrier i'd always dreamed of having.

this morning showed our dog baby in feisty & fun spirits. she played pouncing games with her kibble, dragging it to to her dining area on our oriental rug and jumping on the pieces to flex her power. we spent some time playing "grab your tongue" with nary a nip to be reported. she has grown to trust us and love. and we love her.

it's really nice to have a furry friend to cuddle. lucky for her i'm past the stage of dressing pets in cabbage patch kid clothes.

in a blur of the snowglobe

man, this has been one crazed week. i've been running and running and pretty much collapsed into inclimate weather lockdown over the weekend. in seven days, i made my first appearance at a book club, started my volunteer affiliation with recording for the blind and dyslexic, acquired free instapaint through a focus group, made a new friend in Namaste and braved a major snowstorm to see LadyCabaret's latest show at davenport's. the domestic tranquility of my days off were much deserved. yesterday would have been perfect for cross-country skiing, but i just couldn't force Mole back out into the elements after he suffered so much public transport frostbite on saturday. have to make sure i save a february sunday for hitting the trails.

getting many pesky to-do's off my list is giving me a sense of control again. felt like i was choking on all i needed to get done until a few completions gave me some breathing room. automating my bills should have been done ages ago, but at least i'll be avoiding some overdue payment drama from here on out. if only the health insurance was rectified, i'd be in good shape. did make the initial appointment with the production house to get my demo working and hopefully get these pipes working too. i'm at the point where i no longer wish to wait another table and think this could bring me that incidental income and more. it's going to be an expensive little endeavor, but who ever said that fame is cheap? i trust VoiceCoach's recommendations and know this producer gets her people work. if LispyDramaQueen can get a national spot, there is hope for Agent99.

things i need: a haircut, groceries, firewood and a sparkling clean crib for MeMaw's visit on friday.

musically yours, Agent99

spent the weekend in the music machine. i really do enjoy the live concert, but at times feel that the shows don't quite hold up to the recorded standard i'm anticipating. yeah, i know the sound is different in the venue than a mixed and engineered product. yeah, i know that because i myself am a performer and have been recorded with bands and recognize that there are different nuances in my live sound then that which is captured on the CD at the end of the editing process. i understand. however, if a recorded song is moving and awe-inspiring, i'm expecting alot of the same in the venue. there is much that just isn't lost in the translation from stage to recording or swallowed up within the pools of beer on the floor of the venue. in fact, i should be even more awestruck to see these songs i love with live concert footage in my face. this isn't always the scenario, though. we caught neko case at metro on friday night. her backing band, the sadies, opened for her and they were phenom. energetic and bouncy alt-country flavor. unfortunately, her set wasn't nearly as entrancing. i really love miss case, really do, but her live schtick between songs came off as kinda whiney and unsure this particular evening and there was zero momentum between each number. as in, she'd stop singing and we'd fall into the dead zone for a few minutes while she consistantly tuned her guitar after nearly each song, then took alot of time to begin a new number. seriously, girlfriend can sing, but this live show needed some work because it felt like a stretched out recording session, when i know that was not the case for miss case. (i've been to a live recording for her, so i know what's up.) per usual, we did get to encounter some of chicago's finest drunkies in the audience and it always warms my heart to be surrounded by people who obviously could care less about the show and are there just to drunkenly yap and stumble on me. i came this close to kindly schooling some silly young thing who kept squealing, "it's my birthday weekend!" about four inches from my ears throughout the show. i toyed with the notion of creating a free birthday drink offer that she'd have to go to the bar to retrieve with proof of her natal day to get her off my feet for awhile, but never got around to it. be as drunk as you like in any bar you like, just stay away from the shows, if you don't mind. there's really no reason for the audience to be stumbling intoxicated if you're there to listen. a hoosiey bar's cover band is fine for the drunk bellowing, but if i'm shelling more than 15 bones for a night of music, i'm not paying to have your fucked up ass bellow in my face (not about the music or delight of the show, of course, but more likely your plans for the rest of the evening, how fucked up you were last night, that hoe in the corner who totally wants you or how fokkking awesome the fokkkking cubbies are this fockkkking year, dude!) we journeyed down to the south side's harold washington cultural center to hear the queens of blues, lady koko taylor and mavis staples on saturday. koko can definitely still kick it, but i was unsure how often mavis had been performing with her band. she was out of breath and noticeably struggling to sing many numbers and didn't seem to be completely on the same page as the sidemen. if you're ending a song with a command like this: "hey! hey! stop now! i'm done, okay? cut it off!" while waving your hands around wildly, then i'm guessing you're either a. not in the habit of leading your backing musicians, or b. just don't know how to do so. lady gets her props and all because she's part of a musical dynasty, but i was expecting a bit more control during her act during a planned performance. still good to see the legends, though.

had a kind day of lounging yesterday in between domestic chores. i was a regular sally homemaker, i tell you. did some organizational revamp on our cd collection, multiple loads of laundry and kitchen maintainance. got some reading in and watched "monster" which was just amazing. those saucy girls played them low-brow womens real good. i'm officially caught up on all my borrowed dvd's, so i guess i can go back to reading for entertainment again.

today is the beginning of a very busy week. i'm attending my first meeting of women and children first's young feminist book club. this month's selection is "push", which i found to be a phenominal little novel chock full of tragedy and hope. the author was really solid at showing the metamorphis of this young heroine's journey to learn to read and communicate verbally; she was perfect at creating her vernacular in all forms. i'm really interested in seeing what kind of women are in to this group and looking forward to picking up february's book. after, i'll shag back downtown to catch a few hours of BigBluesMama's video shoot at the house of blues. i'm supposed to meet up with LadyCabaret to see some of the show then trot over to VoiceCoach's gig at the seneca hotel. methinks i have too many stops scheduled into this evening, but we'll see if i can hit them all by 11:00, after which i will certainly shrivel into a pumpkin-tinted state.

i need to get the cheetah scheduled back into my week. Miss has inspired me and i know i can fit five visits in weekly. can't waste time at 30 with procrastination on ye olde health. there's lots of work to be done still. perhaps if i use my gathering of the gurls as my initial goal, i can make some headway in the next five weeks before i see them. could five or 10 lbs. release in that time?

i hur ya knockin', but ya can't come in

* i was further delayed getting to work this morning by the thick layer of ice that trapped the malibu's doors tightly shut despite my straining arms scratching and pulling. hiked across ashland to the marathon gas station and luckily found a couple cans of de-icer (one for now and another to help avoid this problem in the future). the cashier man started quizzing me about my windows being frozen over and when i said it was the doors, he ran around to find "the right stuff you need" and presented me with a different type of de-icing agent specifically for door locks. we were about to re-ring the order when i guess i made myself clearer about the doors themselves being frozen, we had to ring around rosy again to go back to the original de-icer i'd picked out. of the few times anyone in this metropolis actually gives a shit about helping you out, this little exercise only ending up adding an additional 15 minutes and more confusion to my already stressful commute. i really shouldn't complain though, because i fully realize that the next time i really do need some assist, it ain't gonna be nowhere to be found.

* broke the cycle of forgetting my make-up and have remembered to cover up my coon eyes for the past two mornings. i'm by no means a make-up whore, but you sure could tell when i skipped on ye old mary kay concealer. gots to keep up the illusion of young, fresh as dew skin. moisturizing is truly the least expensive or involved youth serum and a habit i've just recently picked up. one of the delights of turning 30 -- *really* caring about how i'm aging.

* have a newfound dedication to pushing the limits of my physical endurance. finding time for the gym is not nearly as taxing as i'd anticipated and i actually want to spend more time outside doing things, while not renegade and reckless, just some naturey exercise. thus, i'm hoping we get the dustings of snow this week so we can try out cross-country skiing next weekend. Mole can get back to his norwegian rutts. :) think it would be great for our shanks and a way to find some enjoyment in this nasty season here. with some snow comfort built up, i can work my way into snowboarding, my other little goal for the winter. need to check out alpine valley online to see what their story is. next stop on the dreamland express: a walking half-marathon in december, the rock n' roll in phoenix for the leukemia society. training would start in the late summer, which would be convenient. i gots powah in my feets!

e cursum perfectum = i stay the course

some things to keep in the front of my mind:

* collect final 2004 checks from grill-o-matic restaurant to provide TaxMan with my pertainent info. call visa to see if i can procure checks for first payment asap.

* according to a call i just received, investigate where my other damn credit card payment has ended up. i know i paid that thing on time.

* find a bone marrow registry center in the city to avoid burb travel.

* book airline tix to new orleans for march visit.

* put the tenants union on notice. find out what the hell is going on with our case.

* keep hitting the gym. figure out a 5 day per week schedule that i can live with and stick with it.

* keep hashing out new ad copy for voiceover demo. dig through old recordings for anything on the singing front that's salvagable for jingles. schedule time at the recording studio!!

* finalize volunteering schedule

* find more potential new pals on the cl

* get to work earlier, leave earlier

winter malaise

i really can't allow this topic to permeate my blog, but it's holding court in my head right now. i hate chicago winters. no, i sincerely have the hate welling within me. despise them, in fact. we had an ice storm threat last night that got me all riled up and needlessly kept me holed up indoors instead of going to the gym. i battened down all the hatches and covered my windshield with the illustrious winterized trash bag boxes and other garbage bags and found nothing but wet rain awaiting me this morning. i'm really tired already of the nasty streets working my mojo in the wrong direction. thus, tonight i will venture out to attend my yoga class without worry of the incliment weather. this gloom and doom outside gots to go!

in happier news, wedding bells are ringing again in my ladyfriend circuit. i've been on a well-deserved nuptial sabbatical for a couple of years now, having my last bridesmaid duties performed in august 2002 for NorcoMama on the back end of the non-stop weddings i attended and sang for in 2000-01. i think the count ended at a dozen for that year and that's about 9 too many for me. now, i actually have some excitement and enthusiasm for these affairs, especially considering the fun parties we'll be attending. with Woonsocket announcing her engagement, we'll now be spending labor day weekend on the east coast, which sounds delightful. her reception will be held on the water in bristol, rhode island, so we'll have time to roam around and see my little old irish man in boston and drive into vermont. summertime up east is a good thing. we'll also have Sketch and CheetahGirl's celebration at the historic inn at saugatuck, michigan with IrishEyes' lou wedding rounding things out in october. i imagine i'll be on a nice break again after this fall, as the only folks i can remotely anticipate busting an engagement out are Blee and his lady. in moderation, weddings can be okay.

we love the bjork one!

my rendition of "me and bobby mcgee" at the pontiac cafe' marked my second appearance with the karaoke dokies of live band karaoke fame here in the chi. i went intending to be just an audience member, but LadyB's persistance won out and i found myself onstage with her. we took that song out to lunch and rocked out, getting sassy and wild, much to the glee of a crowd of ladies that perched right in front of the stage and shrieked, "oh, we love the bjork one!!" at me while the mics were being adjusted for us. (this isn't the first time my looks have been compared to the dashing lady in swan's clothing, and i say there's much worse celebs to share a face with.) apparantly, our performance was quite well-received as the band gave us the stand-up and this girl group rushed us coming offstage and smothered us with enthusiasm. i was highly amused, to say the least. looks like i'll be doing this again sometime, as it was quite alot of fun.

saturday was spent in disaster relief mode cleaning up after our gigantica pine tree made its exit from our living room. Mole stated that this may need to be our last christmas with a live tree, because it was so much drama to get it out the door, much less precariously strapped on top of the malibu, then half stuffed in the open trunk as a last resort to get it to the recycling area in humboldt park. it took me two hours to wrangle all the pine needles in our place and down the stairs in the hallway. and they're still making their presence known around the apartment and most certainly on and in my car. needlemania!

i then took it upon myself to completely slack away the rest of the weekend, on account of my good behavior in giving the crib a deep cleaning. jumped in to a nice little pile of dvd's lent to me by a co-worker and made it through "saved!", "pieces of april" (thanks a bundle, katie holmes, for making me cry about the shitty relationship you have with your mother dying of cancer as the proverbial black sheep of your fam -- that didn't strike home or anything), "anchorman", and "napolean dynamite" from saturday afternoon to last night. napped intermittantly between, rinse, repeat. i needed a few days of downtime to straighten out my back and get ready for the gym again. will break free of my laziness tonight with a good old hip hop class at the gym.

saw a mcdonald's branded car on the el today, all yellow and red with "blue line. i'm lovin' it!" plastered about. mobile advertising in effect. still doesn't make that nasty food appealling, though. remember the smoking fry!

old skool quote o' the day, from 7.23.01:

"it was like there were lights on everyone at that gathering until the moment when Agent99 entered the patio & suddenly, a single spotlight focused on her for the rest of the night."

-- Climatis, a former Dramatoni co-worker on my appearance at a final gathering of the troops before i quit

these boots were made for fallin'

after submerging myself within all the snow drifts yesterday, i decided i would not suffer another winter here with just my old skool sportos and hit the famous footwear in search of some ugg-esque boots. now, i say "esque" because i refuse to buy into the frenzy over this brand of clunky shoe. in fact, i really want no part of wearing anything like them for fear of looking like a fading trendista, but i need some tall wooley action on my hind paws. i found a delightful pair of pale blue rocketdog boots with a suedey feel that seemed to fit the bill. too form fitting up my calf to allow for the tight pants tucked in boot trend rocking hollywood wannabees (and lincoln park trixies), just a simple thick soled boot to keep my toes toasty. they're quite comfy, but apparantly have treachery on their mind because they pulled me down on my ass on our stairs this morning. i still don't know what, if anything, i slid into, but it pulled both feet straight up in the air and landed my back squarely on the corner of a wooden step, shooting a nice referral pain straight up to my already shakey neck. i really need some insurance.

today's quote, from 7.14.01:

"well, you could die tomorrow, and who'd be laughing then?"

-- TheSCurve (or "yo daddy", as Neesia referred to him), that mouthy artist boy i traipsed around with briefly....twice...., after i told him about Neesia and i gasping in giggling horror when we discovered that the two bottles of wine we'd knocked out during my 27th birthday din-din at the southern belle in da lou cost $90 instead of the $50 we were expecting

bonus quote, from 7.19.01:

"ugh! that place is DIRTY! it's like a human stew!"

-- Brusace, former Dramatoni co-worker on the funkified water park, raging rivers, in alton, illinois

suffer the little snowflakes to come unto me, and i'll do all i can to hinder them

started the day by standing knee high in snow to scoop my car out thanks to the snow plows. more than eight inches of snow in a drop is about seven too many for my taste. i've said it before and i shall say it now, this winter drama is driving me out of chicago. i despised last winter and am not very happy with what we've received thus far this time around. why chicago gots to be all cold and unruly? there's so much to love about this city, but december, january, february (oh dear lord, february!) and march ain't it. i need some warm winds to melt this mess straightaway.

this has been quite the busy day. booked a show, lost a show and handled a school's complaint of an extra $11.80 that one of our hypnotists spent on food above and beyond what they'd budgetted. didn't matter that the error was *their's*. chatted with YangBoss about the future of our agency and felt good knowing i would be here. especially since i've never planned for much of a future at any job, evah.

been digging through my old paper and pen journals, starting at the beginning of my writings in may 2001 and have found some gems of quotes that i saved for posterity. i'll periodically include them here for my own amusement.

today's quote, from 6.29.01 while i was visiting my family in corvallis, oregon.

"that seems like something mom would cherish. not like a hot lunch, though."
--- my cousin SlowDrawl, referencing crushed black pepper

i shall dream of dry sidewalks tonight. after i find a pair of ugg knock-offs.

bulletpointed, for your ease of reading

* my blog interest is bordering on obsession-lite. i *love* them! what's really comical about my new interest is my lack of desire to promote my little land of blog. i am a net troll in the purest sense, snooping in on others, but not offering any of me. at some point, i may enter onto the chicago bloggers site, but for now i will remain heard and unseen. i like the idea of having a little forum to air my grievances, but don't necessarily need anyone to read them for a full-on confrontation.

* just talked to LadyB. she too was lamenting the 200 bones we dropped on our overpriced sushi extravaganza on the eve of '05. she has now proclaimed no more dining out for this visit, only homemade dinners or drinks in. i have to agree with her, in that my dining experiences more often than not fail to meet my expectation levels. of all the pricey offerings in chicago, you could blaze through a fortune on clubbing or eating meals out. the former holds no appeal for me, and neither does the latter anymore. i used to love me a meal out, but the price knocks the winds out of my enthusiasm, now that i can't write my restaurant jaunts off onto vague advertising budgets. well, come to think of it, perhaps i can write off dining out. being self-employed, i know i can let loose of cable (but i ain't got no cable!), tix for shows, magazine scripts and "entertainment". i'm hoping i can write off insurance expenses as well, if i ever *get* any damn insurance. must ask TaxMan about this. somehow i've gotten off the subject of dining out, but i suppose it's okay because this is my damn blog and i'll say what i wanna!

* enjoying a nice cuppa chocolate caramel coffee from the folks at ghiradelli. during the holiday explosion at the office, i was the lucky recipient of a fancified coffeemaker. it's for the office, natch, but since i was the one leading the complaints against YingBoss' uber-filthy filtrating machine, i get to be the sole proprietress of cafe' becshala. i'm working my way up to having a counter window installed in my lair of the supply closet. even YingBoss has started to abandon his perculator to have some Agent99 goodness in a mug. in seriousness, the last time i had a sip of coffee by his hand, i thought i'd swallowed a mouthful of a watery ashtray. it was vile. sensing that i may be receiving the power of coffee making, i procured a box of the chocolatey coffee grounds along with some sweetie syrup flavorings as my gift for the office personnel. we also offers tea, hot chocolate and apple cider. call for the flavor of the day!

* yoga finna save my winterized soul! i was a bundle of crabbiness under a curled, snearing lip yesterday, but a class at the cheetah gym got this sista's chakras in order wiff a quickness. my worry about having trouble making the gym a habit again is unwarranted. i enjoyed my class so much last night that i'm looking forward to making this my main focus for january. in three weeks, i can make anything a habit, so this won't be a problem. taking the night off tonight to do some resistance band lifting with Mole. fitness can be fun!

* back to work. actually, i've been working all day while typing this, so i should more appropriately say time to sign off. just spent an hour on the phone negotiating a possible conference appearance with HippieKing of the "survivor" shows. he is incredibly nice and was great to work with during my last entrapment in the advertising industry. after his work at my former client's trade show last june, i contacted his sister-in-law (who manages his schedule) about possible work with us, then i happened to run into him at the detroit airport during a layover to winston-salem in october. so, we chatted today and it looks like he may be in minneapolis with us in february. he'd be a major draw at our booth, so this would great if it works out.

* it's four o'clock and i have yet to eat lunch. i'm becoming a coffee/tea junkie and subsisting on pretzels and soy peanut butter. easy mac, take me away!

new year's discontent

i'd hoped to be writing an exciting reflection on december 31, but i really must learn that i know myself above all others and therefore, i should respond to gut instincts whenever i feel them welling in my abdomen. Mole and i had laid back plans for the overblown holiday to just catch a show at schubas. no big dinner, no ridic cover price to cavort with a mob of suburban simpletons on the biggest amateur night of the year. then, i accepted an invite to join CheetahGurl & Sketch and LadyB and her man for dinner at the swanky sushi cum latin place downtown. i often seem to have issue with this holiday and i thought it would be much better spent with peeps i dig. i knew the prices we'd be looking at, since i'd had a very strange hire/then reneg situation with this restaurant in the summer when i was looking for a new place to whore myself out to in an escape from the SteakhouseManifest. even still, i thought we could keep this a somewhat financially controlled evening out given that mr. man and i both don't really drink anymore and with my wilted sense of appetite, i wouldn't need more than an appetizer or two to feel stuffed. so, after we'd accepted the invite and were added into the reso count, my man went on the establishment's website and discovered that there was a $75 minimum per person for this overglorified night on the town. none of our party was happy with this news, especially since CheetahGurl had made a total of three calls about the reso and was *never* informed about this policy and now, if we were to cancel, Sketch would face a $50 charge *per person* on his credit card. in essence, we were stuck. so, by this time, i can already feel impending disappointment coming on, because i have a lucky way with events that are costing me out the ass becoming not quite what i'd hoped, but at least the company would be good, right? that ain't nothin' to overlook, because there's certainly been times the blahness of the event has come on *and* it's been with people who cause me drama to boot. in da club, i was surprised in the effectiveness of the service we received (especially given the multiple bad reviews this place kept getting on metromix) and rather enjoyed the latin jazz ensemble that was playing, especially the cool interaction with the live dj scratching. but it was loud. real loud. such that i could not hear anything going on at the table, and when that happens, i tend to shut down. it becomes too much effort to keep shrieking at everyone and tires me quickly. i'm sure it wasn't helping matters that i just was not feeling this evening out and instead of really enjoying it, i was worrying about the massive chunk of coin we were going to drop on this mess, thinking about places it would be much better spent. thankfully, in the company of good friends, i at least don't feel pressured to be on if i'm not, so at least it was calm. after dinner, LadyB discovered she'd lost her credit card, so we made our way back to their hotel to make sure it wasn't in the room and to get her phone so she could call to have it cancelled if need be. there was no issue in doing this, but it put us in the car for a good while dodging mobs of drunkies in four inch stillettos combined with a snail's pace traffic jam of suburbanites leaving downtown did not add to my feelings of merriment. with this in mind, you can imagine i was overjoyed to finally reach the lounge we'd selected when i could see that it was packed to the gills from the street. at this point, i didn't even try to communicate, just stuck to my hiding position in front of a juke box and near the door, mashed among throngs of drunk asses, counting the minutes til escape. i wanted nothing more than to be home getting high in the quiet splendor of our little abode. i think i fell asleep on the futon, lamenting the $200 we'd never recover from this evening. next year, i will know better than to try to do something on this night. it just ain't my thang, do what i wanna do. happy 2005.

with a new year on my hands, i don't want to bust out a litany of tired resolutions, but instead a list of things to *focus on*. currently, my number one priority is:

* avoiding the black hole i often succumb to during winter -- the nasty weather is here and so are my downhill moods. (perhaps hence the reason of my low feelings on the holidays) i must be one of the thousands who deal with seasonal affective disorder, because i can feel the struggle come on when the days turn grey. these particular months were my undoing during the beginning of my residency in chicago, so i can't ignore the glum when it comes on. and it is here now. so, to combat the blahs, i joined the cheetah gym last week to bring the yoga practice back into my life, but i know i'll need the next few weeks of constant attendance to make this something i *want* to do everyday. i'm going to a young feminist book club reading in a couple of weeks and will make that a monthly obligation, if i like it. i have a voice demo that desperately needs to be organized and produced. there are things to be done, i just need to stay on some kind of remote schedule to keep my head above water.

don't like to end on a negative note, but i'm just so blah today.

blah.