no, i'm not talking directly to you. you see that "auto reply" in my subject line?

this isn't hysterical, but made me laugh nonetheless. while i was out on friday, this e-mail came to me:

We received a package sent by US Postal Service Priority Mail from your office addressed to : ThisStudent @ ThisCollege. We are unable to identify this person. Could you help us attempt delivery of this package by emailing any additional information you might have about the package or the recipient?

my auto reply said:

I am out of the office until Monday, August 29. Please call xxx.xxx.xxxx for help from another staff member, or e-mail @ blahblahblah. Thanks!

Agent99
My Booking Agency

and this woman replied with "Monday will be fine."

i kept looking at it and all i can think is surely she didn't think i was typing to her from my vacation. but i think she surely did. i don't know, maybe she just replied so i'd see it when it got back, but it still seemed funny as i've never received a chatty reply to my out of office blurb.

and, and even better e-mail exchange w/ one of my performers regarding a wedding reception cancellation on a date that's in two weeks and was booked in february:

i said:

DumbFuckGroom is canceling the date. He said, "Oh, my bad. I
didn't think it was a big deal about the contract since we hadn't signed
it and sent it back to you." Sorry about that.

my artist's reply:

what a dickwad

an additional $37.50? that's baffling!

in my line of work, i come across some cheap fuckers. now, the ones i deem with that titleage get the derogatory name when i know they have the money to spend on an act and are being an asshat trying to work down the price to the bare bones. as a performer myself, i have much respect for the artists i represent and take it as a personal responsibility to ensure the gigs i procure for them are to their liking, both in compensation and the essence of the experience itself.

so, i've been working with a woman at a little grade school on the west coast. she has zero budget for performances, but really wants a guy who does a show for younger audiences. i've been wrangling around dates and prices with her and due to me having the audacity as an agent to ask if there was the *possibility* of getting a tiny bit of extra money for another night of hotel, i got this awesome reply. if i'd known less than $40 could get someone so riled up, i'd have been using this power for a long time.

my original e-mail:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi PoorSchoolLady,

Is it possible for your shows to be on suchaday and consecutive suchaday? InsertPerformer'sNameHere is looking at flight options and doing a night show on the suchaday means he’ll have to stay another night in YourWesternState. Since he’ll need to be in the night before to do the morning shows, is there any chance that one of the other schools could have their evening performance then and we’d do the other 3 during the day of suchaday? I know they had certain schedules for programming, so this may not be possible. If we can’t accommodate that, would it be possible to add in another $150 to take care of InsertPerformer'sNameHere's extra night stay?

He’s also wondering if it’s okay for him to sell books after his shows?

Please advise and we’ll get your booking moving quickly.

Thanks!
Agent99
My Booking Agency

and i got in reply:

Hi Agent99:

To be honest, I’m disappointed in the added cost recommendation. I worked really hard at coming up with a number of other schools just so we could have InsertPerformer'sNameHere at our school (there’s no way we could afford $2,000…and selling this concept to 3 schools who don’t know him…as we don’t…took some major connections).

Another $150 is not in the works. With that said, I’m happy to put him up at my own home. We have two empty bedrooms now that my kids are in college. He would have his own bath. We could also put him up at one of the schools since two of the schools are boarding programs.

I will not confirm the dates until I know for sure that the price will be kept at $2,000. Adding another $150 seems to be a convenience for his schedule. I’m not trying to be critical, but this seems a bit out of line. Of course anyone who offers 4 shows in one day would have to assume 2 nights of hotels or 2 nights of accommodations rather than adding to the cost to the school. I assume this isn’t a foreign concept to a person who travels extensively. I’m a bit baffled by this suggestion.

Selling his wares in conjunction with the program will certainly cover his accommodation expenses. I will recommend that the schools give him this option if everything else works out. Again, I hate to be reinforcing this fact, but I have asked many administration friends to support this cause as a favor. I trust you understand that this is not normally done in our area. At least 7 schools have said no to my request because they simply have no budget…let alone $500 for a 45 minute show. I’m doing the best I can, but I certainly can’t go back and add additional costs for his hotel accommodations.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. I was caught a bit off guard but we are very excited and hopeful that this will work out. I will continue to try to make this happen.

PoorSchoolLady


added to Agent99's resume skills: able to baffle potential clients with any small request!

and we shall call it, smile on a stick!

whilst driving one of my standard commuting routes recently, i found myself in the thick of yet another clogged chicago highway. it was lightly raining, and we know how that balls people up on the road. we're creeping along at about 15 mph when this cab comes flying into my lane from the left, totally cutting me off. now, i'm not one for the rage and someone has to do something unquestionably reckless for me to scream or carry on. that said, i gave this cab a single, staccato pulse of my horn. no yelling, no cursing, just a "hey, i'm back here. i don't want you to tear off my front bumper." type of honk. no anger in my car. not so with this cabbie. he flew into the lane on my right, screaming and shaking his fists in my direction. the audacity of me to press my car horn one time! when i was not at fault! who do i think i am?

usually i give the blank stare out my side windows to these idiots or completely ignore them, which elicits even better reactions, because dumbasses crave instant validation to their rantings. on one occasion, i pulled the best retalliation ever on a crazed driver who wanted to get some shit started next to me. this old man didn't know what hit his ass when i silently turned my head his way and gave him the nastiest, sloppiest, wettest version of that classy poontang-eating gesture. you know the one i'm talking about: index and middle fingers in a v, then lifted to your lips with your tongue dashing about every which way. a solitary flick of tongue was not going to achieve the effect i desired, so i licked my fingers, mouth and car window like i was soliciting for money. since living in chicago, i've damn near perfected the "crazier than a crazy" routine to my own delight. go ahead. try to get nuts with me out on the streets. i'll give you a show of crazy. you think you're a little nuts, a little "on the edge"? well, bring it on, motherfucker. you won't forget the dose of crazy i administer to you.

in lieu of licking my own digits, this time i elected to utilize a new tool that my mother procured for me: the smile on a stick. essentially a tongue depressor with a cardboard cartoony mouth attached at top, you put this thing up to your face and i can't really describe how it looks beyond saying it's really ate up. the smile is huge and looks like your teeth stop at the tips of your cheekbones. usually driving too fast and forgetting where i stashed it in the car, i hadn't been able to use this odd little gem until this particular day. at 15 mph, i had time o' plenty to find it and put it to use. the look on that asshat's face when he saw that mouth was priceless! to add to my own glee, i added in loud, grunting gorilla shouts that only i could hear behind the closed windows and bugged my eyes wide. and the more i did it, the more hysterical i became, especially as the unnerved cabbie kept dropping back in the road flow to get by me again and again to further scream and shake fist. i was totally spent from laughing so much at him. no crazy cabbie, you didn't win no showdown on the road today.

at a stoplight near humboldt park the next morning, i spied a homeless guy laying on the corner, like he was on a chaise lounge of cement. gave him a quick glance and he slowly lifted on hand to give me the finger. then the other hand rose up and gave me the finger as well. i thought, "oh, you're gonna get it now!" whipped the stick out and busted it right at him......and he loved it! his middle digits were soon surrounded by all the fingahs and he was waving and laughing at me. i spent the remainder of the light jiving around in my car with the stick and watching this vagrant giggling. smile on a stick does wonders for the ravaged soul. perhaps i should send that anecdote to their website.

let's get one thing straight: that pointy flesh prod you think is sight unseen in your overgrown thatch of pubic hair....yeah, it's really noticeable

if i'd had a blog a few years ago, the whole world would have known of my general lack of confidence concerning the men i chose to "date". date has to go in loose quotes, because although there have been many years in my personal history occupied by long-term boyfriends, there's been alot of randomites up in the mix that caused me tons of drama and grief, making "dating" a subjective term. when i was in my mid-20s, i was full of lip, sass and many extra pounds. today i am a firm believer that my extended folds of skin were a direct contributor to my willingness to pretty much tolerate whatever kind of nonsense some man would send my way, because i saw them as potential boyfriends, not the self-absorbed attention cravers they were. it's a damn good thing these blogs weren't in the mix yet, or no telling the tales of woe i would have been spilling forth for all to see. reading my old pen & papers is hard enough, because i was letting all the angst loose there. it's nothing i want to rehash now, but i do feel i'm at the point

on aging

my natal day has passed over a month ago, yet i'm still in the process of wrapping my mind around the next round of changes i will enact. thirty is feeling less important that it did -- surely less important than

Jim Talent, you douchbag, I *am* one of America's Liberals who call your values "extreme"

i've somehow found myself on a mailing list for all the out of touch republicans and their close-minded organizations. as a native of st. louis, i get lots of political crapaganda from my home state. check out this hilarious, fear-ridden e-mail i received from the great Jim Talent, missouri republican and terrified senate candidate. very nice to see the old guard starting to recognize the power in our liberal, bleeding heart, peace demanding ranks. move on, jim, for the love of the show me state.


Dear Agent99,

As summer heats up, the Democrats are shifting their Senate campaign against me into high gear.

They want my seat back. Just watch: Hillary Clinton will start funneling money into my opponent's camp (just as she did for Jean Carnahan). Howard Dean is already sending money to fund Missouri's Democrat party.

National liberals will spend whatever it takes to try and win here in Missouri -- money will be no issue for them -- and a huge reason behind this is to set the table for eventually winning the White House in 2008. And that doesn't account for the millions from outside special interest groups - like Moveon.Org, Handgun Control and EMILY's List - already lined up for attacks.

That's why I need your support right now to help me jumpstart my Senate campaign. Please make a contribution of $25, $50, $100, or even $250 using our secure online donation page today.

The liberals' Senate candidate will soon be inventing reason after reason for why he or she should be elected, but my vision isn't tied to polling numbers. My vision for Missouri is optimistic and unswerving because it is rooted in the bedrock principles of our state -- honesty, integrity, and common sense. Armed with these strengths, we are building strong communities across the state and shaping the brightest of futures for all who are willing to step forward and participate in our economy.

During these two years of serving you in the Senate, I've done everything in my power to make Missouri the best possible place to work, to put down roots and to raise a family. And I will continue.

>> I have never been more committed to using traditional values and common sense to help shape a brighter future for Missourians.

>> I am determined to make the President's tax cuts permanent, especially the death tax that causes so many family farms and businesses to be sold. And;

>> You have my word that my vote in the Senate will be cast in support of judges who embrace traditional values and the Constitution as it was written. Especially in the Supreme Court battles we are about to face.

As we enter the summer, the Democrats are stoking the fires across the country to silence my vote. This makes me believe I am on the right path in serving you best.

Agent99, America's liberals are so disconnected from reality at this point in time that they call the traditional values that you and I share "extreme" or "fringe" and they hold a great deal of contempt for all of us who dare to disagree with them.

The liberals who want to take us back to the era of Big Government or worse are writing huge checks to make sure that my future opponent is the best funded of ANY Democrat running for the Senate.

The highest stakes are riding on the outcome of this campaign. So, if you can, please consider going to this link and making a campaign investment of $25, $50, $100, or even $250 to help me win reelection and continue standing with President Bush in the U. S. Senate.

While I never expect to match the Democrats and their special interests dollar for dollar, the success of our Senate campaign hinges on our ability to stay in contact with our best supporters across all 114 counties.

As one of my best supporters, I am counting on your help to win this election by getting our optimistic message of creating jobs, stronger schools and winning the war on Terror to Missouri's voters.

Sincerely,


Jim Talent
United States Senator

P.S. Agent99, regardless of what the liberals do or who they choose to run for the Senate, I am counting on your gift of $25, $50, $100, or even $250 by clicking this link right now to help me communicate my message for our future and to build the grassroots voter network that will mean the difference between victory or defeat. Thank you.